Favorite funny quotes from NPCs

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Favorite funny quotes from NPCs

The following quotes always crack me up:

"Slap a noonwraith's tits, you're a bigger rag-picker than me". (by random beggars in Novigrad)
"Got their asses whipped like a Novigrad Whore" (Baron's guards)
"Looking to make some coin too?" (Beggars)
"Demon!" (Frightened beggar)
"Ah, sword!" (Frightened Eternal Fire priest)
"Scram 'fore I lose my patience" (Witch hunters)
"Uh-huh, pam-param-pam-param" ; *Fart* "Bahahaha" (Whoreson's henchmen/Witch hunters)
"May your beard grow robust and free" (Dwarves)
"Don't dare call me Bagginson" (Halflings)
"Yer de fuckin' Dainklage" (Dwarves)
"Your arse hair white, too?" (Peasants in Farcorners) :what:
 
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1."Yet it's ever so simple. Grasp it firmly, move it around, and louder it squeals, the closer you are"(YenneferXD)
2."Abracadabra, hocus pocus"(Geralt)
3."You say "Geralt"?Geralt who?
Of fucking Rivia."(Geralt in conversation with two guys in Payback quest)
 
Geralt: I'll keep an eye on Letho.
Letho: And I'll behave, I promise.
Roche: Watch this murderer, and you won't be watching the enemy. Why is the kingslayer so important?
Letho: Eredin's a king, ain't he?
Roche: Fuck you. Both.

Geralt: I'm taking Uma.
Baron Bandit Strong 02: There ain't a--
Geralt: Got the baron's permission
Baron Bandit Strong 02: Bring 'im back, though, won't you? Be awful dull without 'im.
Geralt choice: Find some other diversion.
Geralt: Find something else to laugh at. I dunno, catch some frogs and shove straws up their asses…?
Baron Bandit Strong 02: Huh. That one of your witcher games?
Geralt: Witcher version's different. Don't make me show you.
Geralt: Open the door. Now.

Geralt: Fog's thick as curdled milk…
Lambert: Never took you for a poet.
Geralt: Oh, but I am one. Wanna hear a limerick?
Lambert: Sure.
Geralt: Lambert, Lambert - what a prick.
Lambert: Not bad.
 
I was expecting more random NPC quotes, not by main NPCs and above all Geralt. Should have mentioned it in the OP.
 
By Philippa eilhart: "I'm afraid you'd not realize which way the wind was blowing if you pissed straight into it."

I know not exactly a random NPC quote but it's one of my fav's XD.

Let's see my fav random NPC quote from a drunk guy: "Lay me down with a barrel of beer and a cup in my right hand, and over me coffin sing this cheer, he died a drunk but a gentle man'
 
Baron Bandit Strong 03: Well, bring out the gimp.
Baron Bandit Weak 02: Think the gimp's sleepin'.
Baron Bandit Strong 03: Well, guess you'll just have to go wake him up now, won't you?

Some random Novigrad quotes I found (not all of this may actually be used in the game):

Dwarf Man 01: Know what irks me most about Novigrad? The fuckin' proportions.
Dwarf Man 01: Stairs too high, chairs too narrow, tankards too small. And the wenches're too bleedin' large.
Dwarf Man 01: And when I walk down the street, I'm only ever starin' at someone's arse!
Dwarf Man 03: That part's not all bad…

Witch Hunter 02: Easiest way to tell a sorceress - they're perfect, unnatural beauties.
Witch Hunter 03: Fair in the face, no pimples, no pockmarks. Eyes painted, narrow in the waist, and full breasts.
Redanian Soldier 04: Not seen any like that here. Believe me, I'd remember.
Witch Hunter 02: But you will, eventually… And then remember this - their beauty's not born of nature but of witchcraft.
Witch Hunter 03: Each is a hundred years old at least. They use spells to erase the years, straighten humps, remove warts and ulcers.
Redanian Soldier 03: What's wrong with that? I'd take some years off myself if I could.
Witch Hunter 02: Shut it. Jests like that could land you in prison. Or on a pyre.

Novigrad Poor Man 01: Whatcha need, mate?
Novigrad Poor Man 02: Herbs - to rid me mouth of a horrible stench.
Novigrad Poor Man 01: Oh, aye… you could use 'em.

Novigrad Boy 01: Hey, Jackie… you're the oldest, so tell us. Just what's a whore do, exactly?
Novigrad Boy 02: Well… My dad told me they do the things mum won't.
Novigrad Boy 03: Hmm… my mum hates to do the laundry. So's that what all those gentlemen do at the Passiflora - get their laundry done?
Novigrad Boy 02: Guess so. Looked in the window once, they was all prancin' round in their knickers…
Novigrad Boy 01: So why's my dad say the Passiflora's the best 'cause it's got the dirtiest whores?
Novigrad Boy 03: Golly… adults're strange.
 
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Novigrad Boy 01: Hey, Jackie… you're the oldest, so tell us. Just what's a whore do, exactly?
Novigrad Boy 02: Well… My dad told me they do the things mum won't.
Novigrad Boy 03: Hmm… my mum hates to do the laundry. So's that what all those gentlemen do at the Passiflora - get their laundry done?
Novigrad Boy 02: Guess so. Looked in the window once, they was all prancin' round in their knickers…
Novigrad Boy 01: So why's my dad say the Passiflora's the best 'cause it's got the dirtiest whores?
Novigrad Boy 03: Golly… adults're strange.

Oh yes! That convo between those three kids is pure gold! :lol:
 
I don't remember how it goes exactly but the bit where a guy asked a bard to compose a ballad to woo a girl for free was funny.
I heard it near var atre residence
 
Is it this one ?

Novigrad Nobleman 01: Listen… It's Beatrice, I've fallen in love with her, alas. Pen me a sonnet, would you?
Novigrad Bard 02: A sonnet? Tough genre. It'll cost you a few crowns.
Novigrad Nobleman 01: So you'll not write it for free? But, it would be an invaluable experience… and you could add it to your guild card!
Novigrad Bard 02: Gratis I can offer you this couplet: "All cheapskates, skinflints, penny minders: go plough yourselves, you fucking misers!"
Novigrad Nobleman 01: The cheek! It's true what they say - every bard is a lazy good-for-nothing!
 
Here's mine... the "priest" who's all out of hemorrhoid cream. :D

[video]https://youtu.be/_6qfSy-g6pE[/video]

Ah, Elector's Square. I always go there from time to time to scare that scumbag Eternal Fire priest who tells the story of a sick child. LOL! :smiling2:
 
Maaaaan there are so many... I can't choose, I'll make several posts I think.

I wanna start with this.

"Then, we'll bugger Horst up, down, and sideways. All together."




I mean, it kinda came out of the blue and he said it sounding so serious, I didn't expect it and it cracked me up. LMAO
 
Ran into these while streaming today. :p


Random prostitue: You'll look fuckin' amazin'. On top of me.


A conversation between a witch hunter, his friend and a guard.

"Officer! Takin' a rest from witch hunting? Greetings, Your honor - good to see you again."
"Bring us the usual."
"Course. Keep this up and you'll earn yourselves a preferential rate."
"Good, I enjoy shagging freaks. And three-titted wenches are banned in normal brothels."



A conversation between a sorcerer and a city counciler.

"Can't see outta one eye, m'lord."
"Icht'am'Azrain."
"Thank you, m'lord. A right miracle you've worked. I'd like to repay you."
"Convince those knaves on the City Council that spells are not needed on a whim, but positively indispensable."
"They won't listen, m'lord. They's scared o' Menge."
"In that case please convey if any of them should fall ill, he can stick his head in the flames of the Eternal Fire."
 
one that always has me in splits and singing along is some random beggar singing
"hey there, Grey boy! ..."
whenever Geralt passes by
 
Dunno if this one was always there, but I've noticed it more since the recent patch. Mostly in Skellege

Random Npc: "They smeered your ass with honey yet?"
 
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