I don't think is that bad, but it is certainly nothing professional yea

I would focus less on the storyline (making shorter maybe= and more on the analysis of the various feature of the game like: combat system, bugs and glitches, game mechs in general, environment, backgrounds and colors, general feeling of the visuals, a deeper, insightful analysis of the plotline and so on. Probably, Duskey is right, you also need to take a look at the grammar and syntax, but I'd rather to shut up about this, since I'm no english genius