Girl: Babe we need to talk. You owe me a second chance.
Guy: I remember this one time when I was helping my dad with his gardening and at the end of the day we were dehydrated and worn out. So we ordered some Indian takeaway and had a few beers. Next morning I woke up absolutely busting for shit.
Girl: lol
Guy: Problem was because of the Indian food it was going to be a ring burner, and because I was still dehydrated it was coming out hard. This was not going to be a pleasant shit, is what I'm saying. So I sat there for like 10-15 minutes, trying to push this demon turd out of me.
Girl: umm
Guy: Suffering through the burning. This thing that was topping out the Mohs scale. After a while I was able to snap it off, but though the turd was gone, its memory lived on. My asshole felt distended, stretched into unholy positions, and burnt worse than Anakin Skywalker at the end of episode 3. It was the rest of the day before I felt like it returned to normal. But you know what ?
Girl: What ?
Guy: If I had the choice I would sooner go find that turd, hold it close to me, apologize to it, reassure it that everything was going to be okay, then cram it back into my asshole than give you a second chance.
Girl: Wow
Guy: Yeah.
Guy: I remember this one time when I was helping my dad with his gardening and at the end of the day we were dehydrated and worn out. So we ordered some Indian takeaway and had a few beers. Next morning I woke up absolutely busting for shit.
Girl: lol
Guy: Problem was because of the Indian food it was going to be a ring burner, and because I was still dehydrated it was coming out hard. This was not going to be a pleasant shit, is what I'm saying. So I sat there for like 10-15 minutes, trying to push this demon turd out of me.
Girl: umm
Guy: Suffering through the burning. This thing that was topping out the Mohs scale. After a while I was able to snap it off, but though the turd was gone, its memory lived on. My asshole felt distended, stretched into unholy positions, and burnt worse than Anakin Skywalker at the end of episode 3. It was the rest of the day before I felt like it returned to normal. But you know what ?
Girl: What ?
Guy: If I had the choice I would sooner go find that turd, hold it close to me, apologize to it, reassure it that everything was going to be okay, then cram it back into my asshole than give you a second chance.
Girl: Wow
Guy: Yeah.
This is a story about a husband and wife who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting very loudly every morning when he woke up.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every single morning she would plead with her husband to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural.She told him to see a doctor. She was worried that one day he would blow his guts out.As the years went by and he continued to let them rip them! Then one morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a horrifying scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, he came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every single morning she would plead with her husband to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural.She told him to see a doctor. She was worried that one day he would blow his guts out.As the years went by and he continued to let them rip them! Then one morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a horrifying scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, he came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
“An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
“The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
“Curious I pinned a note to his collar, ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
“The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar, ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 and he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
“The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
“Curious I pinned a note to his collar, ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
“The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar, ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 and he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
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And my personal favorite
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And my personal favorite
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Orkz iz made fo' fightin' an' Winnin'! Chop dem good ya gitz!
WAAAAGH!
[video=youtube;x5uwihWGu-I]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5uwihWGu-I[/video]
