I have a myopic friend who refuses to wear glasses. He says he doesn't want to make a spectacle of himself.
Did you hear about the farmer who decided to start playing the drums?
- Yeah, he's got some really great beets.
- Yeah, he's got some really great beets.
— Knock knock.
— Who's there ?
— It's When.
— Huh ok, so... when ?
— W H E N I T' S R E A D Y
— Who's there ?
— It's When.
— Huh ok, so... when ?
— W H E N I T' S R E A D Y
"Why did the blonde get the augmented arm?"
"So she could run the 100 meters"...
"So she could run the 100 meters"...
Did you hear about the smith who broke out in a rash, every time he touched silver, gold, copper, or iron?
He was metallergic. Poor chap.
He was metallergic. Poor chap.
How many [insert gag nationality/ethnicity here] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five.
One to push the lightbulb into the socket. Four to turn the table he's standing on.
-----
A man chains his bike to a lamppost.
A police officer runs up to him and says, "you can't do that! The [Insert politician/monarch of the country of your choice] is about to pass through here!"
The man reacts. "What do you think the lock is for?"
-----
A [Insert beer-swilling nationality of your choice] rushes into a bar, stammering, "Bartender! I am in dire straights. I have a problem and need a drink!"
The bartender hands him a drink, inquiring as to what is going on.
The man, out of breath, replies, "I'll need another drink, to steady my nerve."
The bartender hands him another drink, still curious.
The man states, "One more drink? To build up the courage?"
The bartender does so, but is running out of patience. He insists to know what the problem is.
The man finally reveals. "I don't have any money to pay for these drinks."
-----
A geriatric is introduced to an old folk's home by another old person who has lived here for a while.
The geriatric is surprised by some of the activities that the residents there partake in.
"41!" one of them shouts out. The other old people laugh.
"3!" another shouts out. The other old folk laugh again.
"What's going on here?" the geriatric asks the one introducing him.
"We tell each other jokes so often," he explains, "we've turned to numbering them."
The geriatric rubs his hands and seeks to join the fun. "57!" he shouts out.
Nobody laughs.
"Why isn't anybody laughing?" the geriatric asks, his joke rebuffed.
"Well," his guide answers, "I guess it's a matter of HOW you tell the joke."
Five.
One to push the lightbulb into the socket. Four to turn the table he's standing on.
-----
A man chains his bike to a lamppost.
A police officer runs up to him and says, "you can't do that! The [Insert politician/monarch of the country of your choice] is about to pass through here!"
The man reacts. "What do you think the lock is for?"
-----
A [Insert beer-swilling nationality of your choice] rushes into a bar, stammering, "Bartender! I am in dire straights. I have a problem and need a drink!"
The bartender hands him a drink, inquiring as to what is going on.
The man, out of breath, replies, "I'll need another drink, to steady my nerve."
The bartender hands him another drink, still curious.
The man states, "One more drink? To build up the courage?"
The bartender does so, but is running out of patience. He insists to know what the problem is.
The man finally reveals. "I don't have any money to pay for these drinks."
-----
A geriatric is introduced to an old folk's home by another old person who has lived here for a while.
The geriatric is surprised by some of the activities that the residents there partake in.
"41!" one of them shouts out. The other old people laugh.
"3!" another shouts out. The other old folk laugh again.
"What's going on here?" the geriatric asks the one introducing him.
"We tell each other jokes so often," he explains, "we've turned to numbering them."
The geriatric rubs his hands and seeks to join the fun. "57!" he shouts out.
Nobody laughs.
"Why isn't anybody laughing?" the geriatric asks, his joke rebuffed.
"Well," his guide answers, "I guess it's a matter of HOW you tell the joke."
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It's Wednesday, which means it's the perfect time for some lame Friday jokes.
Where does Spiderman spend his Friday evenings?
Where did the cow go on a Friday evening?
And because I cannot resist adding a chemistry joke:
What are the key elements of Fridays?
Where does Spiderman spend his Friday evenings?
On the web.
To the moovies.
And because I cannot resist adding a chemistry joke:
What are the key elements of Fridays?
Francium and iodium.
Fr and I --> Friday