another one from my spam-happy friend:An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day, trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, Where have you been? What time is this to be getting home at night? 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it. And on and on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang.The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.He looked between his legs then whirled around and screamed,'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
*sigh*Very, very good.Here, this is quite amusing, though a little.... inmature? I don't know. I found it to be funny.http://youtube.com/watch?v=9SdMPxwIxF4&feature=relatedHowever, it might be better so listen to the real song first: Time after Time by Cyndi Lauper.
Variation on the blonde jokes:A stranger was seated next to a blonde girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The blonde girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?''Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? The stranger, visibly surprised by the blond girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'To which the blonde girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?And more religious golfing:A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the f*****ng putt, didn't you?'
Okay, here is the my story.I was reading about PC security in my A+ book and got the idea of looking up these famed and funny email hoaxes.We all them, the ones about the Russian Oil Tycoon, the African (location in Africa always seems to vary^^) with their frozen assets and heritages.Anyway, I found a really great one. A hoax that itself is a spoof on hoaxes and almost burst out laughing.Probably not good for the naive or very emotional people to read, but hell, those don't play The Witcher anyways :evil:So here is the story: I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. (Don't cry, Mommy!) Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Van Nostrem from the clinic said if you foward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless ****** who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that, if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death so you can burn forever in the tar pits of hell. What kind of goddamned person are you that you can't take five ****** minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy. One time I had a puppy but he ate my leaves. Thank You. The boy with just a head. And a burlap sack for a body.I (this is Silver speaking now) just love it. It cracks me up every time I read it. I am wicked ]:->
Love it! I'd heard it before, and I still laughed out loud.HoKyung said:
[size=11pt]Ok, here's a couple:Horse walks into a bar.The bartender asks the horse "Why the long face?"----------A rope slithers into a bar. The bartender sees him and shouts "Hey, we don't serve rope in this bar."The rope slithers back out the door, seeing another rope about to go in. 'Don't bother going in there." he says. "They don't serve ropes in that bar.""We'll see about that." says the second rope. He then ties himself into a knot at one end, and splays the ends out in a mess, then proceeds to enter the bar, and sits up on a chair.The bartender asks "Are you a rope?"The second rope answers "No, I'm a frayed knot." :
----------How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?Answer: 12.Why?[size=12pt]Because it just DOES, ok?? [/size][/size]
----------How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?Answer: 12.Why?[size=12pt]Because it just DOES, ok?? [/size][/size]I don't remember the provenance of this one; I think it might be from the cartoon Sylvia:PMS: That time of the month when women behave the way men behave all the time.zayphod said:How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?Answer: 12.Why?[size=12pt]Because it just DOES, ok??
Corylea said:
This could be our slogan at the Girls Chamber! :evil:A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
The Confession. Tommy the Irishman heads into the confession booth one Sunday. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends." Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say Father, please." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Brydie Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I will not! name her." "Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?" "My lips are sealed, Father." "Was it Fiona McDonald then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Hey guys more political humour here, tiniest bit outdated!George Bush, John Howard and Tony Blair are walking along a trail in the Australian outback when they stumble upon a set of tracks.'They be Dingo tracks, them there.' says John'No they're chicken tracks' says Blair.'No you're both wrong, they're Wallaby tracks' yells BushThen they get hit by a train.
Okay, here goes one of my best:So, Bush, Tony Blair and Angela Merkel (The current Chancellor of Germany, for those who don't know) are sitting somewhere in a nice café at the north sea.You know, having some coffee and eating fresh made croissants. So Bush starts saying: "Our submarines are so good, they can stay under water for three weeks!"Now Blair, after all he's british, no Brit can be beaten by the Americans when water in concernd, says: "Well, my friend. Our submarines are sooo good, they can stay under water for three months!"Of course, our dear poor Angela Merkel now has to say something.However, as she starts talking, a submarine emerges from the sea and the airlock opens.Out comes the head of a old man, who greets them with the words: "Heil Hitler, we need gas."