I'm with you, gw. No one who ever lived would waste their time coming back. :angel: Even Houdini realised it was pointless.~ Roxy
Ow... Like I said, I'm beig a bit slow today. Does that mean your dad's passed away? Sorry if so.Anyways, just to cheer ya'll up a bit, blondes jokes rule:A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
How Tough are Aussie Men? The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Ifrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous, the night Of tales begins... Kiven the Kiwi says: "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came outo of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends" Alan from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered Said:"Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today" Terry, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Grin, that is a funny one. I have several funny signposts at home, I'll see if I can find them and post them. The funniest I ever saw was in Canada though. I was driving from Calgary to Vancouver and somewhere in the mountains a sign was put up saying:For the next 20 miles, obey all signs.I still wish I had stopped to take a picture. But I guess we were just a bit too busy laughing 
I saw a really great sign during the summer.So, we were driving throught the nothingness that is part of America, in which one finds a few small town with shops like "Larrys car repair - have a hotdog while you wait, not oil gets wasted here", a rather decent scenery with grass, earth, dust and a few trees.So, next to the road was one of these metal sign, supported by metal rods sticking in the ground, and beneatht he metal sign somebody hung up a "cloth" sigh.Now the metal sign said "Jesus saves"... nothing special, Bible Belt area of America. However, the cloth sign, in the exact color, making the two almost blend, stated "Vote McCain!"Message: Jesus saves, vote McCain. ;DReally funny, but somehow sad if you think about it
sorta like this:TheSilver said:I saw a really great sign during the summer.So, we were driving throught the nothingness that is part of America, in which one finds a few small town with shops like "Larrys car repair - have a hotdog while you wait, not oil gets wasted here", a rather decent scenery with grass, earth, dust and a few trees.So, next to the road was one of these metal sign, supported by metal rods sticking in the ground, and beneatht he metal sign somebody hung up a "cloth" sigh.Now the metal sign said "Jesus saves"... nothing special, Bible Belt area of America. However, the cloth sign, in the exact color, making the two almost blend, stated "Vote McCain!"Message: Jesus saves, vote McCain. ;DReally funny, but somehow sad if you think about it
Haven't had any jokes for a while:Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Old? Old? I'll give you old! grumble... "Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" ""No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on And ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head On the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared And he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean It. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"
"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" ""No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on And ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head On the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared And he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean It. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 486-5731?"
That car one is a classic, awesome Roxy Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman are captured while on holiday in darkest Africa by a tribe of fierce cannibals. After pleading for their lives the chief cannibal agrees to give the 3 of them a sporting chance of escape. He tells them, "I will grant you 1 item from our camp, and a 100yard headstart, after this, my cannibal warriors will hunt you down, if you escape, so be it." The Englishman is 1st up, after considering his options, he asks the chief for a rifle he spots and heads to the 100yard mark. The chief lets out a warcry and his tribe of screaming cannibals start the chase. The Englishman starts running, turning and picking off some of the chasing canibals with his rifle, however, he soon runs out of ammo and tires. The tribe catch him, eat him, and make a canoe from his skin. The Scottishman is next. After careful consideration he asks for the fastest horse in the camp. A black stallion is bought around for him, he mounts it and takes a flying start over the 100yard mark. The chief lets out a warcry and his tribe of fearsome cannibals start the chase. The Scottishman thinks he has outwitted the canibals and the Englishman, until he rides into thick brush, before he knows it the cannibals have caught him and drag him back to the camp where they eat him and make a canoe out of his skin. The Irishman has been watching the events unfold. The chief steps up and asks if he'd like to consider what item he'd like to take to the 100yard marker. Without hesitiation the Irishman says "Oyd like a fork please squire". The chief looks puzzled. "A fork, why you want fork when you can have any item in camp?" "Da fork is foine fur me tanks" says the Irishman. "Verywell" says the chief and hands him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and slowly walks up to the 100 yard marker. When he reaches it he turns to face the fearsome cannibal warriors and to their disbelief takes the fork and starts stabbing himself all over "I hope yer all drown ya fcukers!"
Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman are captured while on holiday in darkest Africa by a tribe of fierce cannibals. After pleading for their lives the chief cannibal agrees to give the 3 of them a sporting chance of escape. He tells them, "I will grant you 1 item from our camp, and a 100yard headstart, after this, my cannibal warriors will hunt you down, if you escape, so be it." The Englishman is 1st up, after considering his options, he asks the chief for a rifle he spots and heads to the 100yard mark. The chief lets out a warcry and his tribe of screaming cannibals start the chase. The Englishman starts running, turning and picking off some of the chasing canibals with his rifle, however, he soon runs out of ammo and tires. The tribe catch him, eat him, and make a canoe from his skin. The Scottishman is next. After careful consideration he asks for the fastest horse in the camp. A black stallion is bought around for him, he mounts it and takes a flying start over the 100yard mark. The chief lets out a warcry and his tribe of fearsome cannibals start the chase. The Scottishman thinks he has outwitted the canibals and the Englishman, until he rides into thick brush, before he knows it the cannibals have caught him and drag him back to the camp where they eat him and make a canoe out of his skin. The Irishman has been watching the events unfold. The chief steps up and asks if he'd like to consider what item he'd like to take to the 100yard marker. Without hesitiation the Irishman says "Oyd like a fork please squire". The chief looks puzzled. "A fork, why you want fork when you can have any item in camp?" "Da fork is foine fur me tanks" says the Irishman. "Verywell" says the chief and hands him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and slowly walks up to the 100 yard marker. When he reaches it he turns to face the fearsome cannibal warriors and to their disbelief takes the fork and starts stabbing himself all over "I hope yer all drown ya fcukers!"Yes I believe you're right there with scot or scotsman, maybe we should get Simon in on this. Anyway, An aussie bloke has been living with the New Zealand Maori for a number of years and decides to go home for a bit to visit his family and check up on the footy scores. The next year he returns to be fronted by the Maori Chief. 'You gunna die Cuz' The aussie guy thinking what's he done plays dumb and says 'I haven't been here in a year what happened.' with this the chief replies 'my wife has kid Bro' The aussie not catching on yet replies 'congratulations' The chief looking him in the eye yells 'He's white, you're the only white man to be here with us in 100 years.'Just realising what was being said the Aussie starts to panic. Looking around he thinks he sees his out and replies 'See all those sheep over there mate, see how they're all white except that one...'With this the chief just turns to him and says 'I won't tell if you don't.'gamewidow said:cute