The Joke Thread

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Sad to hear of the death of funnyman Stan Freberg, a great parodist of pop culture (yeah, I know it's hard to miss, parodying commercial media is like throwing brickbats at a barn door). I thought his retelling of the story of Witcher George would be fitting here.

(Re-enactment by Liz Weber.)
[video=youtube;oR-haaB0UhY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR-haaB0UhY[/video]
 
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For the laughs. Photo-shopped and Chuck Norris (AHEM Geralt of Rivia jokes)

Hi guyes. I thought it could be fun to make a thread just for some laughs to ease the time before the greatest game ever is released. In here we can post Chuck Norris like jokes (AHEM Geralt of Rivia jokes) and funny photo-shopped screens from The Witcher Universe. Let me start:

  • Once Geralt of Rivia, some thugs, a unit of both the Scoiatel and the Flamming Rose and a few sorceresses walked into a bar. For sure there's a joke in there somewhere but none but Geralt survived and he is not telling.
  • Geralt of Riva don't like tall grass as such all grass in The Witcher universe were downgraded to the same height.
  • Geralt of Rivia once threw a sasum bomb that killed 74 thugs. Afterwards it exploded.
  • Geralt of Rivia was once trialed for five attempted murders in the free city of Novigrad. However the charges were dropped immidiately as everyone knows if Geralt wants you dead there will be no attempt.
  • A group of vampires once attacked and bite Geralt of Rivia. After a few days of serious pain they all died.
  • There's is no 1. of April in The Witcher universe. The inhabitants quickly learn that it was unwise to fool Geralt of Rivia.
  • The sun rises in the west in White Orchard not because of a bug but because Geralt of Rivia have decided it is so.
  • The reason CDPR decided to go open world for The Witcher Wild Hunt was because they didn't dare put Geralt of Rivia in a closed space anymore.
  • Geralt of Rivia CAN touch this. A fact MC Hammer learned the hard way.
  • CDPR is actually not working on optimizing keyboard and mouse. Instead they are in serious negotiation around the world to get mouse renamed to Wolf. Geralt of Rivia simply denies being control by something named after such a weak creature.
  • There are no superheros or supervillians in The Witcher Universe. Geralt of Rivia killed them all.
  • Geralt of Riva have won every horse races he has participated in - on a hay horse.

A few photoshops:

Hope everyone will participate for some laughs :D
 

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Ah! Now, here's a worthwhile thread! I haven't any jokes just now, but we'll see what comes to me. . . .
 
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Hi guyes. I thought it could be fun to make a thread just for some laughs to ease the time before the greatest game ever is released. In here we can post Chuck Norris like jokes (AHEM Geralt of Rivia jokes) and funny photo-shopped screens from The Witcher Universe. Let me start:
I have a few more (for better or for worse):

Unbeknownst to many, Geralt of Rivia has had a very involved film career...

Geralt was hired as martial-arts consultant for the Lord Of The Rings. When shooting Boromir's death scene, Boromir still wouldn't die after taking three arrows to the chest. Geralt spoke to Lurtz and said, "You dumbass! Do it like this!" And chopped off Sean Bean's head.

Geralt of Rivia was hired to kill Chuck Norris in the final episode of Walker Texas Ranger. He succeeded.

During the Lord Of the Rings, Geralt of Rivia always waited until things looked really bleak before sending in the Great Eagles. "It may not make sense from a story standpoint. But damn! if it doesn't build suspense!"

Geralt of Rivia is oftentimes used to replace Brad Pit when filming sex scenes. The first time this happened Geralt said, "Damn! Normally I pay other people to do this!"

In the Bridge of Khazad Dum scene, Geralt of Rivia was hired to light the Balrog on fire with Igni. "That's the problem with these 5,000 year old demons. They lost a lot of their spark," he said. "Not me though! Witcher's metabolism 'n all that!" Then he fucked Liv Tyler, Cate Blanchett, and Ian Mkcellen. The rest of the Fellowship cried.
 
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The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says,
“Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.

1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?

2) How many seconds are there in a year?

3) What is God’s first name?”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one – how many days in the week begin
With the letter “T”?
That one’s easy.
That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims!!
“Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but …..
I’ll give you credit for that answer.

“How about the second one?” asks St. Peter.
“How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

“Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the next and final question.”

“Can you tell me God’s first name?”

“Sure” Forrest replied, “IT”S ANDY.”

“Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Okay, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”

“That was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song…

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said:
“Run, Forrest, run.”
 

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Maybe it's not the most funny of their sketches, but lately I was feeling exactly like that cat. Lets hope TW3 will keep us confused for some time :D
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
 
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