What have we ever done to you, that you should threaten us with such terrors?TheSilver said:
Well, there has been this person. i don't recall their name, but that person always teased me because of my Avatar. Makes me cry myself to sleep.So I though I should take revenge, ya' know?A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife''What type of bra?' asked the clerk.'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?''Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.Confused, the man asked what were the types.The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.____________________________________________Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, 'I'll cut that cat in two,' and he bears down on it hard. As he got closer, he suddenly realized that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.Well, when he arrived in Hell, who should welcome the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the (ex)biker's hand, he asked mockingly, 'So, how do you like it here?'The bad-ass biker replied, 'Man, this is one COOL place!'The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch.The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, 'So, how do you like it now?'Still the bad-ass biker responded by saying, 'This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August.'Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he liked it.Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, 'It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!'Now the Devil is just plain upset, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he found the biker again and asked, 'OK smart-arse, how do you like it NOW?'With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquired, 'W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?'________________________Warnings to anyone who is Catholic and 'sensitive' to such humor.A recently deceased fellow stands before St. Peter and askes to be let into Heaven. St. Peter asks his religion, and the fellow replies 'Episcopalian.' St. Peter says: 'Welcome to Heaven. Go to room 24. Please be very quiet as you pass room 8'.Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. 'Religion'? 'Baptist'. 'Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8'A third man arrives at the gates. 'Religion?' 'Jewish.' 'Go to room 11, but please be very quiet as you pass room 8'.The man says, 'I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?'St. Peter tells him, 'Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here'.__________________________________________________________________________Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"Well, this is my 42ed post. That by itself should be a decent jokeCorylea said:What have we ever done to you, that you should threaten us with such terrors?Corylea said:
You've presumably forgotten, yourself....gamewidow said:did posting a 42nd time give you the promised enlightenment ?
Two young kids were getting ready for school in their bedroom when the eldest advised "I think it's time we started swearing in front of Mum", I'll go first and if it's all clear, you follow.Down in the kitchen, Mum asks the eldest what he would like for breakfast, he pauses briefly then says "Sh*t Mum, I think I'll have coco-pops". She flips at this and slaps him across the kitchen floor and sends him to his room until further notice.Returning to the kitchen, she asks the younger what he would like, he looks up at her gingerly and advises, "I'm not sure Mum, but it's certainly not going to be f*@king coco-pops".
Two old friends that had not seen each other in years bumped into one another at the train station and sat down on a nearby bench to reminisce. After an hour or so of "remember this?" and "remember that?" one turns to the other and asks "How's your wife?" to which the other sadly replied, "I think she's dead." and gazed down at his feet.Stunned, his companion placed a hand of comfort upon his friend's shoulder and after a moment continued, "That's horrible! But what do you mean "You think she's dead"?""Hard to say really. Sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
Ewwwwwww!(For some jokes, holding one's nose and fleeing the building is the most sincere compliment. I gave such compliments to "Rudolph the Red," "Give the frog a loan," and now this one. The astute reader (meaning all of you, of courseTrughbull said:
) has undoubtedly noticed that 66% of these er, special sorts of accolades have gone to Trughbull. Somehow, I doubt that's a coincidence. *grin*There is worse out there, Corylea.The service was about to start. Everyone was in their pews chatting about their families, jobs, etc. when suddenly Satan appeared in the front of the church. Panic ensued. In their rush to get out the back doors, people jumped over pews, trampled one another, and flew through the doors at record speeds. When the dust settled the only ones in the auditorium are Satan and one older gentleman, who did not seem at all concerned that Satan was standing directly in front of him. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" To which the older gentleman replied, "Yup. Sure do." Satan: "Aren't you afraid of me?" Older gentleman: "Nope, sure ain't." Satan was quite perturbed at this so he got right in the man's face and asked, "And would you mind telling me why not?" The older gentleman replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."_________________________________The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?""Blind man!"The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"_________________________________________________________________________An English Literature professor saw a performance of Hamlet in London. During the scene at the end of the third act where Hamlet is verbally berating his mother, the actor portraying Hamlet ripped all his clothes off and stood up straight with full frontal nudity.My professor could not comprehend this interpretation until he was on the plane coming back home to the states. He informed his wife that it was 'a tribute to Willie'.______________________Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very much!"__________________________________________________________________Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel, one English, the other French.The English cat is called "One two three", the French cat is called "Un deux trois".Which cat wins...?The English cat.Why...?Because Un deux trois cat sank…
Aaaargh! *runs screaming into the night*Happy, The Silver? And why are you THE Silver, anyway, as opposed to just "Silver"?TheSilver said:
There were some biological lessons in the class today and every little kid has to name an insect and what they eat.The teacher asked a little kid to name an insect. Longhorn beetle said he and they eat wood. Good work say the teacher.Then she asked someone else. "a mealworn, answered some other kid and they eat flour" . also good, said the teacher.The teacher then asked also little janus. He answers: "a vibrator and my sister said they eat batteries"
While we're on the topic tere used, in Britain, to be a run of jokes which started 'I used to be a...'My favourite was 'I used to be a necrophiliac, but some rotten c*** split on me.'Corylea said:Ewwwwwww!(For some jokes, holding one's nose and fleeing the building is the most sincere compliment. I gave such compliments to "Rudolph the Red," "Give the frog a loan," and now this one. The astute reader (meaning all of you, of courseCorylea said:
Y'know, The Silver, Trughbull, Simon -- I bet you all had sisters. There's something about the gross joke/mean joke/horrible joke business that calls to mind a little boy chasing a little girl while holding something icky. At some level, we never grow up.
Correction. I have a sister. She's not dead yet. And honestly, I wouldn't need to chase her down. A fast sweepkick does the trick for me ;DAnyhow, I am unsure where I have made a gross joke yet. The last was a refereance to the game 'Simon says'.While I am not sure if these actually are real, they're amusing nontheless:One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certfiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns -Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus". Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted hurrah. Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors, all in Islamic pentameter. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried purposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Frnklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He freed the slaves by signing the Emacsulation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history._____________________________________________________________________________A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."_____________________________________It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty,or give me death?"She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy."Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese.""Who said that?" she demanded.Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."Teacher says "Who said that?".Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my...."Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Actually. a great many of them come from 1066 and All That, which I heartily recommend to anyone interested in British history. It is possibly one of the funniest books ever written - but you have to actually know British history to get most of the jokes.TheSilver said: