Why is there 17 blondes outside the pub?
You need to be 18 to get in.
This is untasteful humor... if you dislike it donät read it.
A man is waiting outside a delivery room, The doctor rushes in holding his kid and tells him something amazing just happened.
What? the man asks
Your son can fly! said the doctor
The man asks how that is possible
The doctor say see for yourself and drops the kid on to the floor.
The man is shocked and asks why he did that.
The doctor grabs the child and says wait he needs more speed.
He throws the kid across the room in to a wall.
The man is terrified and asks what the hell the doctor is doing.
The doctor picks up the kid and opens the window
He just need more height!
He throws the kid out head first and the man rushes over as he sees his child plummet to the ground.
The man is furious and grabs the doctor by the neck and strangles him.
The doctor then says Calm down it was a joke!
A JOKE? the man yells?
Yes a joke,
Your son was actually stillborn.
Untasteful stuff eh
You need to be 18 to get in.
This is untasteful humor... if you dislike it donät read it.
A man is waiting outside a delivery room, The doctor rushes in holding his kid and tells him something amazing just happened.
What? the man asks
Your son can fly! said the doctor
The man asks how that is possible
The doctor say see for yourself and drops the kid on to the floor.
The man is shocked and asks why he did that.
The doctor grabs the child and says wait he needs more speed.
He throws the kid across the room in to a wall.
The man is terrified and asks what the hell the doctor is doing.
The doctor picks up the kid and opens the window
He just need more height!
He throws the kid out head first and the man rushes over as he sees his child plummet to the ground.
The man is furious and grabs the doctor by the neck and strangles him.
The doctor then says Calm down it was a joke!
A JOKE? the man yells?
Yes a joke,
Your son was actually stillborn.
Untasteful stuff eh
Two blokes, a journalist and a banker are having a sly shandy or two after work in a skyscraper top bar, drinks are flowing and bullshit's getting more outrageous.
"You know at this height if you jumped out a window up here the wind's so strong it'll carry you right round the building and dump you back in the same window." The journalist says.
"Fuck off pal!" Says the banker.
"Gods trousers, it's truth."
"Prove it then."
"Allright." So saying the journalist opens and jumps out window, and sure enough thirty seconds later flies back in and lands on his arse.
"FUCK ME!" The dudes challenger says.
"Told you." Bloke sits down at the bar, smug as a bastard and orders another triple.
Banker stands there jaw hanging open in amazement, looking between the dude and the window, finally he shrugs empties his glass and runs out the window. Screaming all the way down the banker hits the pavement hundreds of yards below, and does his best impression of a human pizza.
Barman looks at journalist and says. "You really are a fucker when you're drunk Superman."
"You know at this height if you jumped out a window up here the wind's so strong it'll carry you right round the building and dump you back in the same window." The journalist says.
"Fuck off pal!" Says the banker.
"Gods trousers, it's truth."
"Prove it then."
"Allright." So saying the journalist opens and jumps out window, and sure enough thirty seconds later flies back in and lands on his arse.
"FUCK ME!" The dudes challenger says.
"Told you." Bloke sits down at the bar, smug as a bastard and orders another triple.
Banker stands there jaw hanging open in amazement, looking between the dude and the window, finally he shrugs empties his glass and runs out the window. Screaming all the way down the banker hits the pavement hundreds of yards below, and does his best impression of a human pizza.
Barman looks at journalist and says. "You really are a fucker when you're drunk Superman."
Once had a girlfriend who owned a parakeet. Man, that fuckin' thing never shut up. The parakeet was cool though.
-Anthony Jeselnik.
-Anthony Jeselnik.
Since yest. was Halloween, I fint it a good excuse to resurrect my old greeting card here...
Witcher puns and jokes
Warning: you are entering a zone of silliness, perhaps sleep deprivation, and maybe a tinge of insanity. If you are not a fan of puns or jokes (good or bad), then run while you can. If the puns/jokes veer off from the Witcher, it's all good, just try to bring it back around to something Witcher related.
Mods, if you feel this would be better suited under the Community section, have at it!
Now let's get this started with a terrible one that just popped into my head.
What game am I playing while waiting for new footage and info for Witcher 3 to come out?
View attachment 4921
What do you call the ambassador between Cintra and Novigrad?
- The Emhyr-Ciri
Warning: you are entering a zone of silliness, perhaps sleep deprivation, and maybe a tinge of insanity. If you are not a fan of puns or jokes (good or bad), then run while you can. If the puns/jokes veer off from the Witcher, it's all good, just try to bring it back around to something Witcher related.
Mods, if you feel this would be better suited under the Community section, have at it!
Now let's get this started with a terrible one that just popped into my head.
What game am I playing while waiting for new footage and info for Witcher 3 to come out?
View attachment 4921
What do you call the ambassador between Cintra and Novigrad?
- The Emhyr-Ciri
If you don't get it, it's a play on word of 'emissary'. Emhyr from Novigrad and Ciri from Cintra. Hey, I warned you some of these would be bad.
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Placed in the spoiler tags above.
@EmperorZorn If I don't see at least a half-dozen Ciri puns and jokes from you shortly, I'll be shocked.
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Fine...
Q: What do you call a witcher at CD Projekts Q&A panel ?
A: Geralt of Trivia.
Q: What do you call a witcher at CD Projekts Q&A panel ?
A: Geralt of Trivia.
Ok, the problem was that I kept repeating "Emissiri? Emissiri? Wait, I don't get it."Placed in the spoiler tags above.
Yeah yeah, what about Eredin jokes? Under spoiler tag of course. *winks*
Q: Why couldn't Geralt save the king from dieing ?
A: Because there was no sign of life.
*tumbleweed*
Q: What do Geralt and Da Vinci have in common ?
A: They both appreciate AARD.
*looks left and right*
This... is getting....
Q: Why is Saskia screaming ?
A: Because she just stepped on a scale.
...you asked for lame puns, I can go all night....
Q: Why did Geralt cast the Igni sign at Bonhart ?
A: He wanted to make a Bonfire.
*ahem*
Q: Why does Ciri never visit Bonhart on christmas ?
A: Because he has a Mistle toe hanging in the doorway.
...ok, that one was really evil.... I should stop.
A: Because there was no sign of life.
*tumbleweed*
Q: What do Geralt and Da Vinci have in common ?
A: They both appreciate AARD.
*looks left and right*
This... is getting....
Q: Why is Saskia screaming ?
A: Because she just stepped on a scale.
...you asked for lame puns, I can go all night....
Q: Why did Geralt cast the Igni sign at Bonhart ?
A: He wanted to make a Bonfire.
*ahem*
Q: Why does Ciri never visit Bonhart on christmas ?
A: Because he has a Mistle toe hanging in the doorway.
...ok, that one was really evil.... I should stop.
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OOOOOOOH SNAP!
Alright, I'll try my hand on this one.
Q: What is Ciri doing in a circus?
A: She is "swallow-ing" swords.
Q: Why is Geralt limping?
Drumroll!
A: Because Dandelion is always.. pulling his leg.
Q: Why was Regis pulled over by the police?
A: He had one drink too many.
BOO!
Aaaaaand I'm done.
Knock knock.
Who's There?
Vodyan.
Vodyan who?
Vodyan ya like to hear the good news about the Water Lords?
Who's There?
Vodyan.
Vodyan who?
Vodyan ya like to hear the good news about the Water Lords?
I am cheated, but I must share this..
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd....958_276197102565416_1370962658039457995_n.jpg
-Why the birds are flying to south?
???
-Because on foot would be too far away.
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd....958_276197102565416_1370962658039457995_n.jpg
-Why the birds are flying to south?
???
-Because on foot would be too far away.
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A man drove a couple of hours to visit his old college buddy and wife . While there they got to drinking and before they knew it they were wasted enough to the point that the man couldn`t drive back home . So the college buddy says to him since we have a queen size bed with plenty of room you can just spend the night here and head back in the morning . So the time came and they went to bed . After about 15 minutes or so the guy felt a light tap on his shoulder then the wife asked "Are you awake" to which he answered "Yes" then followed another question "Would you like to have sex with me ?" . "But wouldn`t your husband mind and wouldn`t we wake him ?" he asked . She replied "No he wouldn`t and besides he`s fast asleep , just pull one of his ass hairs and you`ll see " . So the guy reaches over and pulls out an ass hair and nothing happened . Then he and the wife had sex after which he laid back down . About an hour later she asked if he`d like to do it again . He pulls another as hair and has sex again . This went on about 5 or 6 times during the night , each time with the same scenario , pull ass hair , no response , then sex . Finally after pulling an ass hair he hears a disgruntled voice and the husband says "Look buddy , I don`t mind and you can have as much sex with my wife as much as you want . But dammit man my ass is NOT a scoreboard !"