The Joke Thread

Mike and Anne have just taken early retirement, retiring at 50 after quite productive careers. They've contributed a lot to society, in spite of their early retirement, and they're looking forward to being free and to having time together, while they're still young enough to enjoy it.The Monday after they retire, they sit together at the kitchen table and decide what they want to do to celebrate. They talk about traveling and try to decide if they want to see nature or cities, if they want the variety of going to a lot of places or the ease that comes from staying in one place. Eventually they decide that they can get a lot of what they want if they take a cruise, and they decide to take a week-long cruise to the Caribbean. They talk about the cruise excitedly, each coming up with ideas for making it the experience of a lifetime. Anne is a little worried that she might be seasick, but Mike tells her that dramamine is extremely effective against motion sickness. Anne says, "We can make it a second honeymoon! We can spend a lot of time in our cabin when we're between ports, if you know what I mean."Mike knows what she means, and he heads to the drugstore, buying a small bottle of dramamine and a box of condoms for the trip.He comes back with his purchases and they talk some more. Suddenly he stops. "Why are we only going for a week? We're still thinking like working people, like we have to be back to work in a week, but we're retired -- we can go for TWO weeks!" Anne agrees. She looks at his purchases and suggests that, in that case, they'll need some more supplies.Mike goes back to the drugstore and buys another bottle of dramamine and another box of condoms. When he returns home, Anne says, "You know, I was thinking while you were gone, and we're STILL thinking like working stiffs, going for only two weeks. Let's go for a month!" Mike agrees happily.He returns to the drugstore and buys a BIG bottle of dramamine and the largest box of condoms they have. Finally the pharmacist can stand it no longer, and he explodes: "If it makes you so damned sick, why do you do it so bloody often?!"No, I didn't make this up -- I read it somewhere.
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?_______________________________________________________An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as theground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.Dear Vincent,I am feeling pretty badly because it looks likeI won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.I know if you were here my troubles would be over.I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.Love, DadA few days later he received a letter from his son.Dear Dad,Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.Love, VinnieAt 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area withoutfinding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.That same day the old man received another letter from his son.Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.Love you, Vinnie
My favourite so far is the american beer joke ;D -- but they all gave me a great laugh to start my morningrunner up: brown tie
A middle-aged banker driving thru the country on business blew a radiator hose in his car. The engine over-heated and all the water in his radiator boiled out onto the ground as he pulled the car to the side of the rode next to a quaint and peaceful pond. He was able to repair the hose because all that had happened is the metal clamp that held it to the radiator had rusted thru and broken. He re-attached the hose and used a shoelace to secure it back to the radiator, not perfect, but enough to get him home. The only remaining problem was how to replace the water that had boiled away. Even though he had conveniently broken down next to a pond, he searched high and low but was unable to come up with any container suitable for transfering the gallons and gallons of water he needed. Dejectedly, he began the long process of cupping his hands in the pond and running back and forth to his vehicle before all the water slipped out of his fingers. It did not take long for him to realize this way of doing business was going to take him far into the night. He sat down next to his car to catch his breath and to ponder how much this was going to worry his loved ones when he was so unavoidably late for supper. As he was contemplating the trouble he was going to be in, a rather large and fat frog hopped from his lily pad, swam to the bank, and approached the banker - while standing on his two hind legs like a human being."Pardon me," the frog said, "But might I be of assistance?" Stunned, the banker looked to his left, then to his right, stood up and looked all around when the frog repeated,"I say, Sir, are you deaf? Might I be of assistance?"Convinced he was suffering a stroke of heat from his exertions on this ungodly hot and humid day, but unable to find any other source of the conversation he undoubtedly heard, the banker looked down at the frog and replied "You have me at a disadvantage, My Good Frog, But where I am from frogs do not speak and those that would speak to a frog are not thought highly of. I am ashamed to say, SIr, I would appreciate ANY assistance I could get on this most rueful of days, but as for conversing with frogs, I should not know where to begin.""Might I suggest then, My Startled Good Man, that you inquire as to the whereabouts of a container suitable for transfering the water you need in a timely manner?"Arching (kocking) his eyebrow, the banker evaluated his new acquaintance, and after pausing for a good moment, continued "You might indeed, Sir Frog, but surely you will understand my reluctance to make such an inquiry from a just-met stranger without first inquiring as to the price of such information? Where I come from, such favors are normally accompanied by gold, which as I am a banker by trade would not be a problem, but the unique situation I find myself in makes me wonder if gold is the currency of trade in these parts. Frankly, Sir Frog, though until this day I have not been as pious as I should have been, a sad fact I intend to correct at my earliest, I am having uncomfortable thoughts regarding the disposition of my first born, or indeed, my immortal soul.""You keep referring to 'this place you come from'" countered The Frog, "as if that gives you an excuse to be rude and to make assumptions of my character and motives that, as long as we are being frank, I find "distasteful". I have watched your kind pass on this path for years and years and you are the first I have chosen to speak to. Obviously my seniors were right and I have made a bad choice. Over by that second boulder is a collection of jugs that have been thrown into the water by a farmer that traverses this path each year to take his goods to market. Several of them are unbroken and you may find them adequate to the task at hand. Please correct your problem and begone. I find your company less than pleasant despite your sobriety, which is why I addressed you in the first place. None of you has actually been sober as you traveled thru here and I thought you might be different in some way."With that the frog returned to his lily pad and after a bit the banker fetched his water using the moonshine bottles that had been discarded by the boulder. Unable to simply leave without thanking the frog, and ashamed of his behavior and the implications made during his comments, the banker removed his shoes, rolled up his trousers, and approached the lily pad where he could be eye to eye with the frog."Sir, I am ashamed. You have offered nothing but kindness and I have allowed my newness at dealing with talking frogs to reflect badly upon myself and my race as a whole. Please, Sir Frog, I beg you, accept my apology and know that whatever favor you would ask in return for your samaritanism, if it is within my power, it shall be done. I swear it."The frog saw he was sincere and meant what he said from his heart so he confided in the Banker that he was looking for a way to stabilize the depth of the pond so that his people would not have lean years and over abundance years, but some sort of stable environment from which they could plan their existence. They had noticed humans had a knack for a great many things and he risked opening a conversation with the banker to see what could be done ... if anything. Well the banker was overjoyed. He told the frog about dikes and spillways and how his bank was always looking for worthwhile community projects for which to loan money and that he would be most pleased to help the frog in this endeavor if he could but find his way to his bank and sign some papers in his office. The frog told him he would have to clear the plan with his own people but they tentatively planned to meet at the banker's office 30 days hence."If for some reason," the banker added "I am not in my office when you arrive, please speak with my Loan Officer, Patricia Black. I will give her a heads up and she will be expecting you with all the forms that need to be signed. My name is Oldman. And you are? ..." "Croaker" replied the frog, "I. B. Croaker."A month later to the day, the frog appeared in the banker's office and dressed in his finest "Jiminy Cricket" suit and spats and carrying his umbrella under his valise asked to speak to Mr. Oldman or Mrs. Black. Everyone had been briefed by Mr. Oldman, and the frog was soon sitting in front of Mrs. Black's desk answering her questions about his residential address, deed and title to the land for the proposed project and his income. Mr. Oldman was at lunch, but the Loan Officer was obviously upset about something as she was filling out the forms so the frog, being concerned about her happiness inquired as to what was wrong. The Loan Officer explained that as the frog did not have title to the land, a source of income, or any kind of collateral she was not going to be able to approve the loan. The frog asked her what the word collateral meant and she explained it is a thing of value that guarentees the bank does not lose money on its loans. Without hesitation the frog reached into his valise and said he had this gold statue and would that do?The gold statue was merely a gold plated trinket that had fallen off some girl's charm bracelet as she swam in the pond. Mrs. Black put on her best smile even though she knew the trinket would be no where near enough to get the bank to undewrite the frog's loan. She reassured the frog that Mr. Oldman would have to answer that question. As it happens, at that very instant, Mr. Oldman returned from lunch and strode over to her desk to see how things were going. Ms. Black confided in Mr. Oldman her concerns and waited for him to speak, to tell her what to do.The banker reviewed the paperwork, looked at the statue, then the frog and remembered everything that happened just 30 days ago. Without hesitation he turned to his Loan Officer and in his loudest, sing-song voice proclaimed ..."It's a knick-knack, Patty Black ... Give the frog a loan.""Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear" :wall:Anybody else tells a "shaggy-dog" story ... be warned ... I got 'em a LOT "meaner" than this. :evil:
Sure, that's me, but don't tell anyone :) Althought to be perfectly honest, Karmarapture did the actual painting.[size=12pt][MOD] Stay focused people! It's the joke thread ]:->[/size]
I went to the doctors, to tell him the good news.'ME'Doc I have given up smoking, drinking, drugs, fast cars and fast women, I no longer eat fatty foods or sugary snacks, I exercise three times a day, Doc does that mean I will live to be one hundred years old now ?'DOC'No, but it will certainly feel like it.... :)
Just WHY is it that way? (Railroads to the Space Shuttle) RAILROADS The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now, the twist to the story When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. - And - You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
Jesus, Moses and this really old guy are playing golf one day.The first hole is a 500 metre par five over a lake.Moses is the first to tee off, he tops his tee shot and the ball races towards a watery grave.Quickly Moses raises his club, the water parts and his ball rolls through safely to the fairway.Jesus is next to tee off, he plays a similarly bad shot and as his ball is about to splash into the lake he gesticulates and it suddenly stops and hovers about two centimetres above the water.Jesus walks across the lake and chips it safely back onto the fairway.The old guy then tees off, hooking his shot so badly it flies out over the fence onto the road and into oncoming traffic.It bounces off a bus and into a tree, from there it bounces onto the roof of a house and rolls into the guttering, down the downpipe to a drainage channel leading to the aformentioned water hazard.As it's about to roll into the lake it hits a stone, bounces into the air and finally comes to rest on a lily pad.Just then a frog leaps from the water, grabs the ball in his mouth and is about to dive back in the water when a eagle swoops down and catches him in it's talons and flies off.The frog drops the ball and it lands on the green and gently rolls into the hole.Moses turns to Jesus and says "Geez I hate playing golf with your Dad!"
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where wedid when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen withintwenty miles of home so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The firstday I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. Itonly rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the secondtime. The coat you wanted me to send you, well, your Aunt Sue said it would be alittle to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut themoff and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if wedidn't make the last payment on Grandma's plot, up she comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskeyvat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off fiercely so hedrowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days. Three of your friends wentoff the bridge in a pickup one was driving, the other two were in the back. Thedriver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other twodrowned; they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time.Nothing much has happened. Write more later. Love, MomP.S. I was going to send you some money but already had this sealed. ~ Roxy
A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting outside at a little cafe, watching the building across the street. They observe two people going in. Several minutes later, they observe three people leaving. The physicist says, "Obviously it is not a closed system, as more people leaving than entering would violate the second law of thermodynamics." The biologist says, "Hrm... they must be breeding." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the building, it will be empty."
Esther Cohen was the mother of three, very active small boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers with them in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up for 20 minutes, a neighbor came over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. This is the only chance I've had to rest all day."--------------------------------------------------------------------Sipping VodkaA new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.---------------------------------------------------------------------Dumb WivesAn Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker."Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"---------------------------------------------------------------------~ Roxy
Oh, all right then, if we're going to be racist....A pries is walking through the streets of Dublin one night when he comes upon a gentleman reclining in the gutter. The priest aids the gentleman to his feet, and says 'and who would you be?'The gentleman looks at him blearily. 'Sure,' he says, 'and I'm Jaysus Christ'.The priest smiles weakly and tries again. 'No, but seriously, my son, who are you?'The gentleman blinks, and responds indignantly. 'Sure, and I've told you. I'm Jaysus Christ! Take me to that bar over there if you don't believe me.'Well, the priest aids the gentleman (who is not entirely steady on his feet) across the road to the bar. They crash in through the doors, and the barman takes one look at them.'Jaysus Christ!' says he. 'Not you again!'
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".__________________________________________________Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.______________________________In a cut sequence from the Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are fighting a duel to the death when suddenly Darth says to Luke: "Not only am I your Father, but I also know what you're getting for Christmas!" Taken aback by the change of subject and suspecting a trap, Luke replies cautiously: "How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?" Darth Vader.... "Because I've felt your presents...."__________________________________________A red neck couple was having some marital problems. The problem was the old man farted all the time. The old woman said " Honey if you keep on breaking wind like the you are going to blow your guts out" The old man didn't listen and kept on breaking wind . Well on one thanksgiving morning the old woman was fixing a turkey when she got a hold of an idea. She took the guts out of the turkey and placed them behind her old man while he lay asleep and snuck on back to the kitchen and finished the turkey. All of a sudden she heard her old man let out a blood curdling scream. She knew why he was screaming so she got a hold of her self and walked to the bed room to check out her old man. When she did she was surprised , because he was standing up against the wall sweating and panting. She asked him" Honey what is all commotion" He said " Honey you was right, you said that if I keep on breaking wind. I would blow out my guts and this morning I did. "So the old woman ask " so what happen" The old man said "thanks to God and these to fingers I got them back in !"There are more where these come from 8)
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