Well, there has been this person. i don't recall their name, but that person always teased me because of my Avatar. Makes me cry myself to sleep.So I though I should take revenge, ya' know?A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife''What type of bra?' asked the clerk.'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?''Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.Confused, the man asked what were the types.The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.____________________________________________Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, 'I'll cut that cat in two,' and he bears down on it hard. As he got closer, he suddenly realized that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH.Well, when he arrived in Hell, who should welcome the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the (ex)biker's hand, he asked mockingly, 'So, how do you like it here?'The bad-ass biker replied, 'Man, this is one COOL place!'The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch.The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, 'So, how do you like it now?'Still the bad-ass biker responded by saying, 'This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August.'Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he liked it.Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, 'It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!'Now the Devil is just plain upset, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he found the biker again and asked, 'OK smart-arse, how do you like it NOW?'With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquired, 'W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?'________________________Warnings to anyone who is Catholic and 'sensitive' to such humor.A recently deceased fellow stands before St. Peter and askes to be let into Heaven. St. Peter asks his religion, and the fellow replies 'Episcopalian.' St. Peter says: 'Welcome to Heaven. Go to room 24. Please be very quiet as you pass room 8'.Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. 'Religion'? 'Baptist'. 'Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8'A third man arrives at the gates. 'Religion?' 'Jewish.' 'Go to room 11, but please be very quiet as you pass room 8'.The man says, 'I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?'St. Peter tells him, 'Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here'.__________________________________________________________________________Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"Well, this is my 42ed post. That by itself should be a decent jokeCorylea said:
Ewwwwwww!(For some jokes, holding one's nose and fleeing the building is the most sincere compliment. I gave such compliments to "Rudolph the Red," "Give the frog a loan," and now this one. The astute reader (meaning all of you, of course ) has undoubtedly noticed that 66% of these er, special sorts of accolades have gone to Trughbull. Somehow, I doubt that's a coincidence. *grin*Trughbull said:"Hard to say really. Sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."
Mission accomplished.Corylea said:
Well, Master of Puns was to obvious.That gives me a idea for a new thread... You can read the answer there, Corylea. Just wait a little.Corylea said:Happy, The Silver? And why are you THE Silver, anyway, as opposed to just "Silver"?
While we're on the topic tere used, in Britain, to be a run of jokes which started 'I used to be a...'My favourite was 'I used to be a necrophiliac, but some rotten c*** split on me.'Corylea said:Ewwwwwww!(For some jokes, holding one's nose and fleeing the building is the most sincere compliment. I gave such compliments to "Rudolph the Red," "Give the frog a loan," and now this one. The astute reader (meaning all of you, of course ) has undoubtedly noticed that 66% of these er, special sorts of accolades have gone to Trughbull. Somehow, I doubt that's a coincidence. *grin*Corylea said:"Hard to say really. Sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."
Actually. a great many of them come from 1066 and All That, which I heartily recommend to anyone interested in British history. It is possibly one of the funniest books ever written - but you have to actually know British history to get most of the jokes.TheSilver said:Correction. I have a sister. She's not dead yet. And honestly, I wouldn't need to chase her down. A fast sweepkick does the trick for me ;DAnyhow, I am unsure where I have made a gross joke yet. The last was a refereance to the game 'Simon says'.While I am not sure if these actually are real, they're amusing nontheless: